Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Coming Home

The call to return home never stopped till I returned home.

The other day I met a woman at a bus stop. She said she was freezing. I said it wasn't that cold. She agreed. She told me about the coldest winter she's ever experienced: the winter of 62/63. During that winter everything froze up. She was so cold and miserable, she wanted to return home to St Lucia.

She said even though she has been living in the UK for 46 years, she still considers St Lucia her home. Sadly, people in St Lucia don't share her sentiments; they see her as English.

"I don't know how they know but they know," she said. "Even if you dress like them they still know I'm not one of them."

"Maybe, it's because you walk really fast," I chuckled.

"Funny you should say that," she said, "the last time I was home I was walking with my brother and having a conversation with him. I was way in front of him and he said 'Chill sis, you're not in England now.' I felt so ashamed."

She said another thing that gives her away is the fact that she can't cope with the St Lucian weather. Last year she went home for three months and after a few weeks she wanted to come back because it was too hot. She said she was sad she is not accepted as a bona fide St Lucian; and she doesn't feel she belongs in England either, though she's got used to the British lifestyle. She also has her loved ones in the UK.

I know what it's like to feel you don't belong and wanting to go home.

I was born in London. When I was four years old, my parents split up and we went to live with my mother's relatives in Freetown, Sierra Leone. While I got used to the new way of life and I made new friends at school, I always felt I didn't belong. I never felt comfortable in that society. I knew that one day I'll return to England and I would be happy.

When I came to England at first it felt like I had come home. I felt happy and secure living with my mother and brothers and getting used to life in London. Then the feeling of homesickness returned. How can I possibly feel homesick when I am now living at home? To mask the feeling, I immersed myself in the British culture. After I left school I got a job and was quite content. Then the feeling of homesickness returned. I interpreted it as unhappiness in my job and changed to a new job. Soon I felt restless and I left that job and moved to another job. Then I figured I wasn't doing what I love. Maybe, if I went to university and got a degree, I would find myself a job I really loved. So I took time out to study. My studies gave me the opportunity to explore my identity; and it was fun being a student. After I left college it was time to decide what I wanted to do with my life. While I figured out what my dream job was, I decided to do contract work for a few months. A few months became many years of contract work.

In the meantime, the feeling of homesickness was back in full force. Perhaps, it is because I still don’t know who I am. So I studied various spiritual and religious teachings. I joined groups, felt comfortable for a short while, then the feeling of restlessness resurfaced and it was time to move to another group/teaching/belief...and another...and another...collecting qualifications on the way. Yet I still felt restless. I finally figured out that I should stop looking to others and find the answers I was seeking within. This is what I did. But the feeling of restlessness was never far away.

Maybe, if I had someone who loved me I would be happier. The search for the "one" began in earnest. I got into relationships, got hurt, and continued looking for that special someone. Then I fell in love with someone I thought was special. It felt like I had come home. For a short while it felt heavenly to love and be loved in return until personality conflicts got in the way and it was soon over. For a while I was depressed and lonely and thought life wasn't worthwhile.

Onwards and upwards.

The search to know myself continued. If I wasn't going to find that in relationships I would have to do it without a significant other. One day the feeling of homesickness was so strong, during meditation it manifested as a group of entities who came to remind me who I was. I was shown what home was like. For a while it was good to know who I was. At least now I can experience life knowing that I have a base, a place I can always return to. I'm here now, why not experience life as a fully paid up member of the human race? I could also kill two birds with one stone: do what I love, writing; and write about how I am applying the principles of spirituality, as I understand it, in my life. So I experienced the many paradigms and wrote about my experiences.

In between, I kept getting the call to return home. One night I woke up to find this dark purple entity touching my shoulder. This entity didn't have a body as we know it, but it was like a mass that transmuted part of Itself into a body. I also knew that entity was me. I was a purple mass; a purple mess. I recalled the other entities I have met before and being shown my home which is purple energy, a consciousness that underlies all of creation. That was home. But hey, I am having too much fun being human.

The call to come home happened again recently. I could no longer hide behind my beliefs as I had more or less released most of them. There was nothing for me to hold on to. I was ready to return home. How is this going to work out? Am I going to have to die to return home? But there is no death! How can I get home while still in this body? Easy. Like Dorothy in the film, The Wizard of Oz, all I needed to do was close my eyes and think of home, though I was missing Dorothy's emerald shoes.

So I closed my eyes and I was home. I was back in this place that is dark purple. In that purple light, space, or mass there is a sense of an us, a collective consciousness, a oneness, a real feeling of belonging. This is where the call has come from. My homesickness and restlessness have all stemmed from not being fully at home. I opened my eyes and found I was still in the same body right here on earth. Now what? My purple friends told me that I am to be at home wherever I am. How? By seeing myself living at home. I see myself surrounded by purple energy. I see myself as purple energy. I will go as far as saying that what I experience as a human body with organs, is all part of the purple energy; though people will still see me as human.

Another thing I am excited about is experiencing the fullness of my being I wonder if I will still love what I used to. What if the real me can't stand chocolate? God forbid! The only way to find out is to live as my purple self and then I'll know.

I am home where I truly belong.

Enocia